My thinking right now is that I will let things stew unless I do something about what I’m feeling, so as opposed to playing guitar or video games I will do something I’m not used to, which is write. If I do this at least, then it won’t be a first-draft expression. ‘First with the head, then with the heart’ sort of thing.

My home of Victoria Australia has recently come out of its fourth COVID19 lockdown. At the time of writing, I believe that the lockdowns have been effective in containing the spread of the virus, which I’ve placed as most important. Something I feel incapable of verifying is the other costs. My life isn’t dependent on going out. For a number of unique reasons, I’ve felt compelled to keep a conservative, somewhat held-back lifestyle over the last ten or so years; this is a lifestyle that I’ve been able to work with in order to achieve a balance with what I naturally prefer anyway, that’s allowed me to do most of what I want and still service other people’s needs. I’ve acknowledged that my life is one where I haven’t been able to do things that other people have, like starting a family. This is somewhat of a blessing despite the cost, because I imagine I can maybe have more autonomy by not having my own family. The caveat of that is that I won’t know the experience, however I don’t feel like I should know what it’s like in order to have a fulfilled life given that I’ve seen plenty of people in worse situations and know I’m still doing okay.

What I think has come out of this global pandemic is that there are questions raised about what is valued. Lives are saved at the expense of freedom of choice and movement for the majority. I feel like I can’t contribute to the conversation, because by virtue of the way I’ve lived (which have become biases in how I’d largely prefer to live), I got through relatively unscathed. I was impacted emotionally, but I feel like I was able to draw its effects out.

I don’t feel like writing more for now, however perhaps what I’ve written will act as a preamble for what I’ll continue later. In summary: I feel like there are lots of complex questions regarding what is the right thing to do in terms of impacting people for the greater good. I also feel that whilst I know I can contribute to the conversation that comes out of these questions, I doubt my place to contribute because of my unique situation.